Bathroom Humour
by Saiph Nebula
Summary: An alternate version of the bathroom scene in MGS1 - Meryl stared at Snake bemusedly as the flush faded from her cheeks, “C...Colonel...?” Snake nodded. “He heard?” Snake nodded again. “And he's listening now?” "Yup."


Meryl leaned the gun against the cubicle wall with a sigh, "First my eyes, now my butt. What's next?"

It had definitely been a stupid question, Meryl thought to herself. Especially when Snake's eyes roamed from her arched brow down to her mouth, and then-

"Hey!" she squealed, both arms coming up to cover her chest. The bathroom was colder then she'd realised. He laughed, making her cheeks flush.

"Don't be so shy," he grinned at her, "It's not like I've not seen a pair before."

"Not mine you haven't." Meryl responded indignantly. Her mind suddenly flashed back to her therapy sessions. A bored old man sitting behind a desk with diagrams and medications laid out in front of him, trying to explain why Meryl shouldn't get involved with a man. Shouldn't _want_ to get involved. He'd shown her the sorts of things men liked; explicit films and magazines. It should have been more effective, but since she held little interest in anything but pursuing a career in the army her focus had always been elsewhere. She hadn't cared how the guys had seen her as long as they knew not to fuck with her – literally or not.

"You're lucky it was me that found you," Snake continued, leaning casually against the sink. "How long have Liquid's men been out here? I doubt they'd be as gentlemanly as myself in this particular situation."

Meryl rolled her eyes and pointedly lowered her arms. Snake's mouth twitched slightly, and she could practically see him fighting with himself not to look down. "Oh yeah," she drawled, "Luckiest girl on the island."

"_Only_ girl on the island, so far as we know." Snake pointed out.

"I don't know, I'm not so sure about that guard who was stationed outside my cell," she told him offhandedly, "That uniform fit surprisingly well."

Snake chuckled, remembering the poor naked man she'd left spread-eagled outside her cell. "That was some nice work, how'd you trick him into letting you free?"

"My womanly charms," she smiled before making a vague gesture towards her chest. "Use what you have at hand, after all. Truthfully I think the guy was just an idiot. He fell for the whole damsel in distress thing knowing I was one of the soldiers."

"I think you've probably scared him for life when it comes to women."

Meryl laughed dryly, "If he can withstand the psychotherapy we all had then I doubt this little experience will dampen his taste for the opposite sex."

Snake, only vaguely aware of the fact that he should probably be focusing on the mission and not on the fact that Meryl had the best pair of legs he'd seen in a _long_ time, frowned questioningly. "Psychotherapy?" What had the latest and greatest introduced to the military in the interest of its soldiers welfare this time?

"Oh, you know," Meryl shrugged, seemingly at ease with being half-naked in a woman's bathroom with an armed man, "We have our interest in the opposite sex removed to help keep us focused on our missions."

Snake blanched, "Seriously?"

"Mm-hm."

Well, he thought a little dejectedly, that explained it. Unless...

A grin that could only be described as predatory crept over his features. Meryl shivered as unease suddenly crept over her skin. Not the frightened kind, however. The kind that warned her something... interesting... was about to happen.

"No interest in men then? Whatsoever?" he questioned.

Meryl rolled her eyes to the fluorescent lights, clucking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Ah, so even the legendary Solid Snake has a dirty mind mid-mission. I can tell you, there's nothing smart about bunking up with a bunch of sexually confused macho-types who don't know what gets them off better; their own bunk mate or the idea that the female lodgings next door are full of...of sexually repressed lesbians."

Her voice faltered towards the end of her rant as Snake moved off of the sink and began casually closing the space between them. She didn't feel threatened by this move, the glint in his eyes was more playful then dangerous. But still, as he came close enough that she could smell the gunpowder and cigarette smoke, she couldn't help her mind from wondering if he tasted like she used to dream when she was just fifteen and already worshipping the legends of FOXHOUND.

"Am I making you nervous?" he murmured.

Meryl paused, trying to figure out his game. "Why would I be nervous?"

"I didn't think a sexually repressed lesbian would want someone like me... doing this."

His gloved hand came up slowly, trailing a line across her shoulder to her neck. Meryl's mind went blank under the intensity of his gaze, the curiousness behind the grey-blue flecks of his eyes.

"Sexually repressed what?" she managed to stammer, "I never said _I_ was..."

"I just assumed," Snake told her, his hand dropping away, "You underwent the therapy after all."

The rush of air felt colder then before as Snake stepped away, seemingly satisfied by whatever knowledge he'd just gained. Meryl found herself thoroughly confused by his intentions as he quickly switched back into soldier mode.

"You know, that was mean." she told him bluntly.

"You're in the middle of a battle-field, what do you expect?" Snake ground out, a life-time of practice at switching his needs and moods on and off suddenly coming in handy.

"Not to be flirted with then left high and dry, jerk." Meryl grumbled.

"I wasn't flirting, you'd know if I was."

"Because you're so hot? Trust me, if I'd known what you were up to just then I'd never have-"

What she would or wouldn't have done went unsaid as Snake, his pride surprisingly hurt by her last comment, all but dived across the room to push her hard against the wall. His lips captured hers with a brute force he found almost impossible to reign in. It was as if some unseen force was suddenly at work, making him want to do all the things he knew he _shouldn't_ want from his commanding officer's teenage niece...

But damn did she taste good, and she was so _warm, _even through his suit he could feel the slim curve of her hips and the swell of her chest.

His mouth moved from hers as they both began panting for air, but he couldn't stop trailing his way across her jawline to her throat, his hands wandering dangerously low as she let out a needing groan-

The shrill tone of his codec froze him in place as he remembered... he and Meryl were not entirely alone in the bathroom.

"Shit." he spat, pulling away hastily. He knew he couldn't be _seen_, but still...

He pressed two fingers to his ear.

"This is Snake..."

"Snake," the voice was firm, and icy cold, "exactly how is seducing my niece going to help complete the mission."

A myriad of answers flew through his mind as he tried to figure out which was least likely to end up with a price on his head. "I, er, got carried away. I'm sorry Colonel."

Meryl frowned at him bemusedly for a moment as the flush of her cheeks slowly disappeared... and then went completely white. "C...Colonel...?"

Snake nodded.

"He heard?"

Snake nodded again.

"And he's listening now?"

"Yup."

There was silence for a moment as they stared at each other. Then-

"_Hi Uncle Roy_!" Meryl called, "We, er, need to get back to the mission now."

The voice was too well restrained in Snake's ear for him to not be made nervous by it. "See that you do. And Snake..."

"Yes Colonel?"

"We need a word after this mission."

Disclaimer: As usual, copyright with Konami etc. I own not a thing.

Inspired by a request elsewhere and a mixture of half a dozen coffees and flu medicine. I love screwing with these guys.


End file.
